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Sunday, February 17, 2019



Surfin The Net

tlgnewspaper_columns_surfin_the_net
  • Empty Stadium Seat

    A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.The man replied, "No."Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"The older gentleman responded, "That's...

  • 7-Up

    Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”“That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”A nurse then yells to the second man, “Congratulations!

  • Ode To January

    'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.When I got on the scales there arose such a number!When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No...

  • Choose the Right One

    A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."The mother agrees.The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The one in the middle.""That&...

  • Christmas Jokes

    Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?A. The Elfabet.Q.

  • Air Hostess

    An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on a plane.The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.When the charming air hostess came around with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.He replied, "Oh no!

  • Working in the garden

    A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:"You wouldn't believe what happened.

  • Announcements from the pulpit

    The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembe...

  • A Nice Idea...

    Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral."Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said.The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car...

  • Big Game Hunting

    Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing.

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